Have you ever felt so desperate that you started seeing extremely vibrant shades of red? Almost violent shades of red? Maybe you were fighting for a romance that lost its spark. Maybe your dreams of becoming a mother were crushed by the weight of infertility. Maybe you learned a loved one was diagnosed with a critical illness. Maybe you lost a job, or maybe you just felt incredibly alone.
Cancer has brought me to my knees in desperation more than once. This specific time was crippling, as it's felt like a cruel test. Hadn't I been through this enough? Hadn't I already grown strong enough through the loss of loved ones? Wasn't it enough to watch my godmother fight for her life or my other family members fight for theirs? Why was this happening to my daughter who I fought so hard to be able to have? Why does she have to go through this now? Why does our family have to go through this again?
I used to believe that there were lessons everywhere and that everything happened for a reason. I still believe in lessons learned from life events, but there is no reason that my daughter got cancer. No one can convince me otherwise. Some things don't happen for a reason. Some things happen for no reason at all and it is just not fair. This painting captures the thoughts and feelings of vulnerability I just shared. The heartache and grief for what this diagnosis has done to my daughter's one and only childhood. The anger I feel not being able to help her get it back. The feelings of guilt that I wasn't able to protect her from getting this disease. The feelings that no matter the logic behind them, still exist.
If you are reading this, I hope you never have to deal with a pain like I just described, but if you have or if you will, know that I've been there too. And you are not alone.
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